The Art of Independence

Independence is an important capability within the emotional intelligence framework and the key is a fine balance between the need for collaboration and connection and the capacity to trust yourself and your capabilities. We need each other for innovation and growth, but we also need ourselves to get both our professional and personal work done.

Independence defined

Independence is the ability to be self-directed and self-controlled in your thinking and actions and to be free of emotional dependency. Independent people are self-reliant in planning and making important decisions. They can stand on their own two feet. They may, however, seek and consider other people’s opinions before making the right decision for themselves in the end; consulting others is not necessarily a sign of dependency.

Independent people can function autonomously – they avoid clinging to others in order to satisfy their emotional needs. The ability to be independent rests on one’s degree of self-confidence and inner strength, and the desire to meet expectations and obligations without becoming a slave to them.

Independence is the ability to stand on your own two feet (which is why it’s tied to assertiveness), and to acknowledge that the buck stops with you. Independence is also linked to self-regard: when you feel better about yourself, others respect you more. Making decisions and acting upon them, then following through to deal with the consequences, are important to success.

How Independence is a critical component of emotional intelligence

Independence is critical for emotional intelligence and development. Trust in self, and the ability to reflect and appraise your work and behaviour helps you to focus on the areas that need improving and identify the areas that make you great. By better understanding the two you empower yourself to achieve desired outcomes and become more of who you truly are.

Here are five emotional intelligence capabilities that independence is strongly correlated with:

• Problem Solving: This subscale assesses one's ability to effectively solve problems of a personal and interpersonal nature. Problem Solving is closely linked to Independence as it involves the ability to manage emotions while thinking clearly and objectively to find solutions, without overly relying on others.
• Emotional Self-Awareness: This is the ability to recognise and understand one’s own emotions. Emotional Self-Awareness is crucial for Independence, as it enables an individual to understand their emotional drivers, recognise their needs and desires, and pursue their goals autonomously.
• Interpersonal Relationships: While this might seem counterintuitive, the ability to establish and maintain mutually satisfying relationships and to relate well to others is important for Independence. It involves a balance between being emotionally self-reliant and being able to engage in healthy, interdependent relationships with others.
• Self-Regard: This subscale reflects the ability to respect and accept oneself as basically good. High Self-Regard supports Independence by providing a strong sense of confidence and self-sufficiency, allowing individuals to navigate challenges without overly relying on validation or support from others.
• Assertiveness: This involves the ability to express feelings, beliefs, and thoughts non-destructively and to stand up for personal rights. Assertiveness is key to Independence as it enables individuals to express themselves clearly and confidently without being overly influenced by others' opinions or desires.

Five key signs to cultivate more Independence

Recognising signs that you may need to cultivate more independence is useful for your personal growth and development.

Here are five key signs indicating that you might benefit from working on your independence:

1. Over-Reliance on Others for Decision-Making: Consistently relying on others to make decisions for you, even for trivial matters, may indicate a lack of independence. This could manifest as an inability to make choices without seeking extensive advice or approval from friends, family, or colleagues.
2. Difficulty Managing Tasks Alone: Struggling to complete tasks or handle responsibilities without assistance can be a sign that you need to cultivate more independence. This isn't about the occasional need for help, but rather a regular dependence on others to manage everyday tasks and responsibilities that you are capable of handling on your own.
3. Lack of Personal Goals or Ambitions: If you have no personal goals or seem to only pursue goals set by others (like friends or partners), it might suggest a need for greater independence. This lack of self-directed ambition can stem from an uncertainty in making personal choices or a fear of stepping out of your comfort zone.
4. Inability to Express Personal Opinions or Preferences: Consistently deferring to the opinions or preferences of others, or struggling to articulate your own thoughts and feelings, can be a sign of insufficient independence. This might involve always going along with what others say or do, without voicing a personal viewpoint or preference.
5. Emotional Dependence: If your emotional well-being heavily relies on the presence or approval of others, it may indicate a lack of emotional independence. This could manifest as a constant need for validation, an inability to feel happy or content when alone, or experiencing distress when not in the company of specific people.

Exploring your Independence

Exploring your level of independence involves self-reflection and honest assessment of various aspects of your life. Here is a list of questions that can help guide this exploration:

• How often do you make important decisions without consulting others?
• Do you feel confident in your ability to make decisions independently?
• Do you set personal goals for yourself, and how often do you achieve them without external motivation?
• When faced with a problem, do you tend to solve it on your own or seek help immediately?
• Do your emotional states heavily depend on how others treat you or react to you?
• How often do you take responsibility for your actions and their outcomes?
• Are you comfortable being accountable for your mistakes?
• Can you stand by your beliefs and values even if they are unpopular or challenged by others?
• How often do you change your opinions to match those of the people around you?
• Do you differentiate between seeking guidance and relying completely on others to make your choices?
• Do you take initiatives to learn new skills or gain knowledge independently?
• Are you open to new experiences and ideas that challenge your usual way of thinking or living?

Developing your Independence

Supporting yourself in developing more independence is a journey that involves both self-care and self-challenge.

Here are five effective ways you can do this:

Encourage Your Own Decision-Making:

Empower yourself to make your own decisions. Start with small, low-stakes choices and gradually work your way up to more significant decisions. If you need guidance, seek it, but try to refrain from letting others make decisions for you. Ask yourself open-ended questions that prompt you to think through your options and the potential outcomes.

Promote Your Problem-Solving Skills:

Instead of immediately seeking solutions from others when you face a challenge, try to think of possible solutions yourself. Guide your process by asking questions like, “What do I think is the best approach?” or “How have I handled similar situations in the past?” This approach helps build your problem-solving skills and confidence.

Foster Self-Reflection:

Engage in self-reflection to understand your values, goals, and desires. This can be facilitated through conversations with yourself, journaling, or meditation. Self-reflection helps you understand yourself better, making you more confident in your choices and actions.

Set Gradual Challenges for Yourself:

Introduce new challenges that require you to step out of your comfort zone. These challenges should be attainable but slightly beyond what you’re used to handling. It could be as simple as attending an event alone, managing a small project, or learning a new skill independently. We want to challenge ourselves, but not provoke anxiety.

Provide Emotional Support to Yourself Without Enabling Dependency:

Be a source of emotional support for yourself while encouraging yourself to manage your emotions independently. Listen to your inner voice and offer empathy to yourself, but also encourage yourself to find ways to self-soothe and handle emotional situations. Show the same kindness and compassion that you show to others to yourself when you need it most. Techniques like mindfulness, emotional regulation strategies, and constructive self-talk can be beneficial.

Ready to take the first step towards greater independence?

This journey starts with self-reflection. Answer the provided questions honestly and consider the areas where you can cultivate greater self-reliance. Remember, independence isn't about isolation; it's about embracing your unique strengths and confidently navigating the world, seeking collaboration and connection when it enriches your experiences.

Start small, celebrate your progress, and trust in your ability to make your own choices. There's a world of possibilities waiting for you, shaped by your own unique vision and empowered by the strength of independence.

Do you have questions or need additional support in developing your independence? We’re here to help! Contact us to schedule a call to discuss how we can guide you on your path towards greater self-reliance and emotional intelligence.