Assertiveness and Emotional Intelligence at Work

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EI) is a set of emotional and social skills that influence the way we perceive and express ourselves, develop and maintain social relationships, cope with challenges and use emotional information in an effective and meaningful way. It involves being aware of your own emotions, as well as being sensitive to the emotions of others, and using this awareness to navigate social interactions, make decisions, and manage relationships.

Assertiveness is an important element of emotional intelligence at work because it allows us to express our needs and wants in a clear and direct way, while also respecting the needs and wants of others.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness refers to a communication style and behavioural trait that involves expressing our thoughts, feelings, needs, and opinions in a direct, honest, and respectful manner, while also considering the rights and boundaries of others.

Assertive individuals also listen actively and attentively to others. They give people the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings, and they show empathy and understanding in their interactions.

Assertiveness is often seen as a middle ground between passivity (being overly submissive or compliant) and aggression (being excessively domineering or hostile). It allows individuals to express themselves effectively, maintain healthy boundaries, and promote open and respectful communication in various personal and professional situations.

What does assertiveness look like?

The following examples illustrate assertive behaviours. Practicing these behaviours can help you communicate assertively and navigate various situations with confidence and respect.

Assertive individuals:

• confidently express their opinions and ideas without fear of judgment or rejection - "I think we should consider implementing a new marketing strategy to reach our target audience more effectively. Here are my reasons..."
• set clear boundaries to protect their time, energy, and personal well-being - "I appreciate your request. I'm currently swamped with other projects. I won't be able to take on any additional tasks at the moment. Perhaps we can check in again later in the week to see how things are placed."
• can say "no" when they are unable or unwilling to comply with a request or take on additional responsibilities - "Thank you for considering me, I am sorry to say that I won't be able to attend the after-work event. I have other commitments that evening."
• effectively express their emotions while maintaining control and respect for others - "I felt disappointed when my idea was dismissed without consideration. I believe it has potential, and I would appreciate if we could explore it further, or if you could provide some more feedback on why you don’t think it is workable."
• provide constructive feedback to others, sharing their observations and suggestions for improvement in a direct yet respectful manner - "I noticed that your report was missing some details. It would be helpful if you could include more specific examples and data for greater clarity. I think this would take your report from good to great."
• stand up for their rights, needs, and beliefs, especially in situations where their boundaries are being violated or they feel treated unfairly - "I understand the importance of being a team player, but I feel that my workload has become overwhelming and impacting my ability to meet deadlines. I would like to discuss a more balanced distribution of tasks."
• address conflicts or difficult conversations directly and respectfully - "I'd like to discuss the recent miscommunication between our departments and find a way to improve our collaboration moving forward. Can we schedule a meeting to address this issue?"

On the flip side, non-assertive behaviours can hinder effective communication, compromise personal boundaries, and create imbalances in relationships and interactions. It's important to recognise these behaviours in ourselves and work towards developing more assertive approaches for healthier and respectful communication.

Here are some examples:

• Aggressive behaviours: yelling, insulting, or belittling someone during a disagreement.
• Passive behaviours: agreeing to take on additional work even though it exceeds your capacity, without expressing concerns or negotiating.
• Passive-aggressive behaviours: agreeing to a task but intentionally delaying its completion or doing a subpar job to express dissatisfaction without openly addressing it.
• People-pleasing: always saying "yes" to requests, even when it leads to personal overwhelm or neglect of your own needs.
• Avoidance of conflict: keeping quiet and not speaking up when witnessing an unfair situation or when your personal boundaries are crossed.
• Over-apologising: apologising profusely for expressing a differing opinion during a discussion, even when it is a valid and respectful contribution.
• Lack of assertive body language: avoiding direct eye contact and speaking in a soft and hesitant tone during interactions, giving the impression of lacking confidence.

How assertive are you?

To assess your assertiveness, you can ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I effectively express my thoughts, feelings, needs, and opinions in different situations?
2. Am I able to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others?
3. Do I find it challenging to say "no" when I need to, or do I often overcommit myself?
4. How comfortable am I in expressing disagreement or giving constructive feedback?
5. Do I tend to avoid conflict or difficult conversations, even when they are necessary?
6. Do I actively listen to others and consider their perspectives before expressing my own?
7. Do I speak up when I feel my rights are being infringed upon or when I see an injustice?
8. How confident am I in asserting myself in professional settings, such as meetings or negotiations?
9. Do I take initiative in advocating for my needs and desires, both personally and professionally?
10. How do I handle criticism or pushback from others? Am I able to assertively respond and stand up for myself while remaining respectful?

Reflecting on these questions can provide insights into your assertiveness levels and areas for potential improvement. Remember that assertiveness is a skill that can be developed and enhanced over time with self-awareness and practice.

Developing assertiveness

Developing assertiveness requires conscious effort. Here are some practical exercises you can try to enhance your assertiveness skills:

Identify specific assertiveness goals

Set clear and specific goals for yourself regarding the areas in which you want to become more assertive. For example, you might aim to speak up more in team meetings, provide feedback more directly, or assertively delegate tasks.

Consider how you can be 5% more assertive

Rather than going ‘all out’, think about a situation where you wouldn’t normally speak up or put forward your views. What is one thing you could do next time to be 5% more assertive? For example, If your goal is to speak up more in team meetings, plan what you might say ahead of time. Consider how you will position your views or opinion keeping in mind you want to be 5% more assertiveness (not 100%). After the meeting, take time to reflect on the impact of sharing your views or opinion. Did anyone notice? What might you do next time to be another 5% more assertive?

Practice assertive language

Use assertive language when expressing your thoughts, needs, and expectations. Avoid overly passive or aggressive language. Speak with conviction, using phrases such as "I believe," "I need," or "I would like," while still showing respect for others' perspectives.

Practice assertive body language

Pay attention to your non-verbal cues. Maintain good posture, make eye contact, and use appropriate gestures and facial expressions. These elements contribute to your assertiveness and how others perceive your confidence.

Seek feedback and support

Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues, mentors, or coaches regarding your assertiveness. Request specific examples and suggestions for improvement. Collaborate with them to develop strategies for enhancing your assertiveness skills. Ask them to role play different scenarios with you.

Embrace discomfort and take risks

Assertiveness often requires stepping outside your comfort zone. Embrace discomfort and take calculated risks to practice assertive behaviours. Start with small steps and gradually challenge yourself to take on more assertive actions.

Reflect and adjust

Regularly reflect on your assertiveness progress. Consider situations where you could have been more assertive and evaluate what you can learn from those experiences. Adjust your approach, strategies, and behaviours accordingly.

Becoming more assertive is a process that takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and celebrate each step forward. With consistent practice and self-reflection, you can enhance your assertiveness skills and create a positive impact in your work and personal life.

How Neural Networks can help you develop your assertiveness

Since 2000, Neural Networks has been helping individuals and organisations build their emotional intelligence skills. As one of Australia’s leading professional development providers, we deliver innovative learning development programs in emotional intelligence,  leadership, sales, customer service and culture change.