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We say so much, all the time. Blogs like this, emails, Twitter, and other social media sites are key examples of how much we “talk” and obviously like to talk, not to mention the normal day to day conversations with others.

I was fortunate enough to be co-facilitating the first day of a leadership program with one of our clients the other day and as part of our program we discuss four key communication principles. Even though I have heard them over and over again and also explained them to others, they still cause me to reflect and influence the way I communicate with others.

1. The map is not the territory

We ask our participants to draw a map of how to get from their house to work. They can draw it however they like or even write it as a set of instructions. We then tell them that they have it ‘wrong’. That we know a much better way to get to work from their house and that they really shouldn’t be following their map as it is not the best way to travel.

Sweet, aren’t we?

The point of the exercise, outside of the obvious differences between people’s ideas on how to draw a map, is that our physical territory is not described by the map we carry in our head.

We all have our own maps of the world which provide the frame for how we interpret that world. Telling someone that their map is not right, serves no purpose and does more to erode trust than position you as an expert.

As a leader, you need to step into others’ maps of the world and explore the way they see the territory.

2. The meaning of my communication is the response I get

I am sure you have all had the experience where you over hear the scuttlebutt in the office about things you have said and it is completely contrary to the message you were delivering at the last team meeting.

Sorry to say, there is no point getting frustrated or believing the proponents of the scuttlebutt to be idiots. What you say means exactly what other people hear and the response they give you. A very ‘postmodern’ approach for those philosophers amongst you, in that, a book isn’t written until it is read. Same goes for what you say.

A useful strategy is “triangulation”. If you have an important piece of information or message to pass on, particularly in light of organisation change projects and the like, it is best to check in with three completely different people as to what they heard you say. And don’t just choose people you have a good relationship with! You will then have a good idea as to whether you are presenting your communication in a way that makes sense to them and that you are all on the same page.

This includes taking 100% responsibility for yourself – always an admirable trait in a leader.

3. You cannot not influence

I struggle with the double negative in this sentence as I was taught proper English, but the point is that every communication influences others. Even not saying anything is a communication. Often silence is seen as compliance, particularly in meetings.

Both our verbal and non-verbal communication is interpreted and influences the dynamic of conversations and interactions. For a leader, this is an important principle as it instills a sense of mindfulness about your communication and also how your behaviour may be interpreted. I am sure we all agree it doesn’t hurt to create a greater awareness of yourself and foster compassion and authenticity in interactions with others as you understand the influence you are having in that moment.

4. There is a positive intention motivating every behaviour

We can’t always develop great friendships with people who work for us nor do we want to necessarily. Sometimes this results in having people you work with who you do not always ‘understand’. You might have issues with some of their behaviour including actions that undermine the dynamics of the team.

Drawing on this principle, the key in these situations is to consider what the positive intention behind the behaviour might be and rectify the action based on this motivation. Uncovering the positive intention brings the conversation with your staff member into a collaborative frame where you work together to find other ways to achieve the desired outcome.

Too often I have seen leaders write people off because they are demonstrating perceived bad behaviours in the work place. This might be the case, but in the first instance, I recommend uncovering the positive intention behind the behaviour – it might just reveal more important things than you realize.